Rollercoaster Ride...

Things over the weekend were so up and down.....Friday night I went to the ballgame and afterwards French said he wanted to come by the house to talk....I was laying in bed when he came in.....came in to pack his things that is....I hadn't cried much in front of him until this point, but I did.....the sight of him packing his things was brutal...he kissed me on the forehead, said he loved me and left....I waited a little while...and cried a little while....then I texted him to ask--Why are you doing this to me...I will not survive this.....you have everyone on your side and I have no one.....we texted back and forth with him telling me I am strong and I will make it through this....and he ended up coming back to the house, crawling in bed, and snuggling....we didn't talk...just slept...and it was nice......he had stuff to do on Saturday so he kissed me and left.....only to come back that afternoon and take another nap with me before I had to go to work...he called several times that night to check in and say I love you....I didn't ask any questions...Saturday night he stayed at his brother's and came by Sunday afternoon before football to change clothes, say hi, kissed me and left....I didn't hear from him Sunday night after calling several times...finally he called Monday morning to say...I decided for sure that I want a divorce and there's no amount of counseling that will change how I feel.....wow...a weekend of me thinking maybe he is starting to see what he is doing....only to end right back where we started.....soo.....then I get a text later that afternoon that he has been talking to one of his friends and has decided that he is willing to try counseling.....so the appointment is made.....and that's all I can focus on now...just making it to Monday....I keep trying to tell him how unfair this is and that I have done nothing to deserve what he is doing to me....he gets to go stay at his brother and sister-in-laws with the kids, go to his mom and dad's, go to work, keep coaching....he has to give up nothing....all I can keep thinking about is the fact that my family is 4 hours away.....if this happens....I have to stay here with R...then once he leaves, I have to leave a job I love, friends I love.....and he gets to go on living his life as though nothing has happened.....I just don't get it....I am in such a deep, dark place right now......I have 2 days where I do nothing by cry...followed by those few hours of independence where I want to take all of his stuff and burn in it in the front yard....again, the only thing I can do is take it day by day, and I know that......I just keep trying to find a logical explanation to all of this...and I am not even close to finding it.....

Reality Hits...

I apologize ahead of time because this post will likely be a long one....thank you all for your kind words, your emails, your texts, and most of all your prayers.....French and I did not talk much on my trip, other than the occasional hi, are you ok, I love you, hang up after less than a minute....I had psyched myself up for this fantastic reunion....coming down the escalator to baggage claim, running to each other, hugging, kissing, him telling me he's been stupid and we can work this out....but I didn't get any of that....I walked toward my husband and the only response was--do you have to get your suitcase? I walked over to the baggage area, picked up my own suitcase, and we headed out the door....once in the truck, he asked me what my decision is....my response was the same as always....I love you and I want to do whatever it takes to make this work....he said he just doesn't know....I told him that he is the one with the decision to make and that I feel like he has already made it, he's just too afraid to say it....then he says what if I make the wrong one? How do you respond to a question like that? I told him that the decision was his to make and he shouldn't make one until he completely understands what his decision means....we rode the rest of the way in silence...we pulled into the driveway, he put the truck in park, and said the words....I want a divorce....so I told him if that's his decision then he is going to be the one to go get it, I am not giving up that easily....I told him to stay the night at the house, pack his stuff up, and leave in the morning when he goes to work.....I am at a loss as to what to do from here....by no means do I want to give up on my marriage, but being in San Diego showed me even more that I have no control over my life....God is the only one that does....while I may not agree with French's decision, I do have to prepare for life if this really does happen...and keep telling him every day how much I do not want this and how much I love him.....do I want my marriage to work--yes....if he really goes through with a divorce is this going to be the hardest thing I have ever faced--yes....will I one day be able to heal from this and move on wherever that may be--I hope so...................I told French that he will be fine with whatever decision he makes...he will be here with his family, he can move out, and go on with his life...but what about me? I will be here, away from my family, taking care of a house alone, taking care of R alone, taking care of 2 dogs alone......R doesn't leave for boot camp until September and there is no way I am leaving him....but French, he gets to walk away and start his life surrounded by the people that love him the most......of course I have wonderful, amazing friends that I know would do anything for me...but we all know that family is different.....and that's all that keeps going through my head....French's mom and I are very very close...and while I know she has the deepest loyalty to her son, I keep hoping that his parents will tell him he is being so stupid and making the biggest mistake of his life...I know my parents would not hesitate to do that if the roles were reversed...but that's not them.....they have always let all of their children make their own mistakes and help them to pick up the pieces afterwards.....French's mom did not call me one time while I was gone.....when we usually talk at least every other day....she came to our house while I was gone, halfway cleaned, did French's laundry and didn't touch any of mine or R's...so yeah...that tells me exactly what my life will be like if we do get divorced....alone.......I have so much in my head right now that one minute I feel sorry for myself, the next I am pissed off, and the next I bust out into the ugly cry...which is very very ugly right now....thank you all for thinking of me....thank you all for your prayers...I just think that if I hear one more encouraging word, my head is going to explode.....so I ask for space, and more prayers, a lot of understanding, and more prayers.....you each mean more to me than you will ever know......I have several infertility blogs that I keep up with...one blogger has started a book club that I joined...do you know that I received my book the day I reserved my flight to San Diego? The book is called "A Spiritual Companion to Infertility." It discusses the ups and downs through scripture and prayer...I finished the book on my flight to San Diego which really helped me to focus my thoughts while I was there...and then I also read it on the flight back again...I will share with you the prayer that I have to keep repeating to myself.......

Dear God, I am overwhelmed sometimes with the decisions I must make and all of their possible consequences. How can I possibly know what to do? Yet I know what I need to do: To slow down and remain alert, to sit in silence and wait for the still, small voice that will guide me toward the path you want me on. And so I will listen. And all I ask is that you speak to me. Amen.

Desperation...

Have you ever hit that place that you never imagined you would hit...that total rock bottom that you just don't know if you will ever make it out...that's exactly where I feel like I am....French's conversations with me have turned into talk of divorce....divorce...wow...a word I never imagined would come up in conversations with my husband...I keep telling him that I want to fight for this...but he isn't sure that he does...he says we've grown apart, we've changed, and he loves me but isn't as in love as he was....I told him after being together for 7 years that it's only natural for feelings to change but he doesn't see that....I think he has fallen so deep into depression that he just cannot see his way out....I have told him that I want to go to counseling to work this out...I just don't believe anything he is telling me..maybe I am being delusional and missing the big picture...but I want to fight for my marriage...infertility WILL NOT beat me!! I have decided that I am going away for a little while....maybe some true time apart, as hard as it may be, will be good for us....so in the morning I am off to San Diego to stay with my best friend and her husband...my plan is to be there until the 12th and not speak to French while I am gone...thank you to my wonderful coworkers that are covering my shifts...it means more to me than either of you will ever know!! And to those of you reading, I hope none of you are faced with this situation...while part of me does not believe my marriage will end, the other part cannot help but think what if it does...and this is the scaredest I have ever been in my life...please just pray for us...not that things work out one way or the other...but pray for wisdom and for healing in whatever lies ahead....

27...what a crappy number...

So my birthday is tomorrow....I have been thinking all week about the number 27 since that's what I will be turning...what kind of number is 27 anyways? It's not half way to 30 like 25 was...yet it's only 3 years away from 30...wow!! Nothing fun ever happens on the 27th....so it's kind of a crappy number when you think about it. I haven't accomplished any of the things I wanted to by 27....I wanted to already be a mommy and thinking about having another one...I wanted to already have a Master's degree...which I am only halfway finished with...I wanted to be still going to my parent's every Sunday for dinner...which I only get to do every 6-8 weeks and never on a weekend since I work weekends now...I wanted to be more in love than ever with my husband and have this perfect little life....yet here I am at 27 having done none of the above....R's senior night was supposed to have been tonight and got rained out....so when French called me to tell me he asked if I was going to stay at my parents (where I had been since Wed) or come home and we could celebrate my birthday with dinner and a movie since I have to work tomorrow....so I was excited to come home and go out with him...R was at a friend's house so we were going to have a date night....we met French's parents for dinner then headed out....at which point he said he wanted to go home and go to bed....I didn't say much...just the silent treatment to let him know I was mad...well apparently he didn't get the hint....so I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing...was something wrong with me? I told him that I am so tired of waiting on everybody in this house hand and foot...I try to make special days for him and R, especially their birthdays...and I don't even get taken out for my birthday the only night I get to celebrate it...not to mention that we never get alone time anymore...and all he wants to do is go to bed!? Soooo...he started on the I don't know if we should be together....I can't give you a baby trip like he did this summer...and so here we are...back at square one right when I was ok without a baby.....and thought everything was going great with us.... I told him he has to make a decision....either decide to stay married and just let the baby thing work itself out or go file for divorce so that we can both start to heal....I want to be married...I told him I would choose our marriage and our love over a baby and that's all that is important to me....but the decision is his.....and now he's gone...out for a drive until who knows when....and here I am...turning 27 and feeling like a complete failure....this summer I asked French about marriage counseling...I sometimes wonder if he's depressed and maybe that's the problem...maybe I am too...we never did anything about it this summer...so I have been researching marriage counseling and found a place not half a mile from our house that does appointments 3 nights a week until 8pm which would work better with his schedule...and they even have them on Saturdays too....just wondering if any of you readers, especially those going through infertility, have had similar issues....advice on this and marriage counseling would be much appreciated....and is desperately needed....

some days...

You know I try to stay positive on this crazy journey through infertility....but sometimes it is so hard to not ask why...I have a wonderful husband and family, a job that I love, a nice home, 2 dogs who think they're human....so why can't I reach that next step of having a child of my own? Why do some people have baby after baby so easily when they can't take care of them? While it is not my place to say this person is good and that person is bad, why do some women get pregnant so easily when I feel like I am a better person? and Why do some mothers make such poor decisions that end up hurting their child when I would never make the same choice to begin with? There was a story on the news yesterday that stirred all of this up....the reaction of this family member is so unbelievable that it blows my mind....CLICK HERE

HaPpY bIrThDaY!!!

R's surprise party was a success...he was so excited and said it was the best birthday he'd ever had!! Welcome to adulthood!!!

Football

Sooo...last football post was about South Panola...yeah..needless to say that game DID NOT turn out the way we wanted it to....but seriously it was like being at a NFL game with the jumbotron, parachuters, fireworks, and media...what an experience for the guys...just wish we had played better....we did beat Desoto Central this week though but the game was moved to Saturday so I didn't get to go because of work...enjoy the pics!